New Hair, New Me?

Shaving your head won't solve all your problems  — or at least, it didn't solve mine.

When I was 13, I dyed my hair for the first time. In retrospect, “dyed” is a generous term, considering how all my mom did was lather a bottle of Jazzing Temporary Hair Color onto my head. Nonetheless, that was the beginning of what would be a six-year cycle of constant dying, bleaching and toning. The chemical damage and years of heat damage brought my hair to a point of no return. It was time to chop.  

On October 9 I cut off all my hair, and since then, I’ve felt stuck in my identity. 

I’ve always been known for changing my hair. No hair change lasts for more than two weeks, whether it’s a new set of braids, highlights or a whole new color. 

I’ve always used hair changes to cope with boredom. I could become a new person at an instant’s notice. I've been a ginger who always dresses in bright colors, a sneakerhead with twists,  care-free in track pants with a ‘fro, the list goes on. There’s nothing more satisfying than knowing you’re capable of altering the way people perceive you, and I was able to be anyone I wanted to be. But now, or at least until my hair grows back, I feel like all I’ll ever be seen as is the girl with the short hair. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love my hair. I just think I love change a little bit more. And my hair has always been the easiest thing for me to change. 

After shaving my head, I realized that all I did by switching up my hair was create an illusion of change — it was a cop-out. I thought it was a simple way to reinvent myself, but my hair has never been a static aspect of my identity. Maybe if I’d shaved my head after never touching it my whole life, it would be different, but I’ve since realized that I can’t just change a single one of my features and decide that that makes me a new person. 

That’s not to say that hair’s not meaningful. It’s just never that deep. 

My short hair taught me that I can go through silent changes 10 times more drastic than cutting off all my hair, but, even more importantly, I realized that I don’t need to or even want to. I’m okay being stuck as the girl with the short hair because I’m still the girl who likes to dress in bright colors. I’m still the sneakerhead. I’m still the care-free chick in track pants.

Unlike my other hair changes, shaving my head allowed me to change the way I perceive myself instead of just changing the way others perceived me. So maybe this time around, changing my hair really did allow me to reinvent myself.