Retired Fitness Instructor at 20

Content warning: This article discusses body image issues. 

I am a retired fitness instructor at the age of 20. Here is why I recently quit my part-time position. 

Anyone who knows me knows that I am notoriously the least athletic person in the room. I was cut from a no-cuts junior varsity volleyball team my freshman year of high school because of said lack of athleticism. However, I danced throughout high school and joined the occasional studio cycling class just to move my body. It wasn’t until college that I started taking exercise seriously, fearful of the “freshman fifteen” adults constantly preached to me about. I joined a local Evanston studio and started going to exercise classes each morning, sometimes even twice a day.

I have always struggled with body image in a way that I was convinced everyone must feel, using exercise to validate my food consumption. To balance the imaginary food-exercise scale I had created in my head, I frequented the class –– so much that my former employer reached out to me about auditioning to be an instructor. I seized the opportunity, worked through a 100 hour training program and received my certification. A large part of the position was memorizing a 50 minute class, making sure to cue the correct muscles and reciting motivational phrases. As someone who has struggled with rote memorization, this did not come easily. I made hundreds of flashcards and listened to the same playlist for months on repeat to make sure my class was one that I would want to attend. Two weeks after my first time on the mic, Northwestern sent students home due to the pandemic and I felt like all of my hard work was for nothing. 

I was lucky enough to move back to Evanston and live off-campus at the beginning of my second year. I restarted my contract at the studio and began teaching roughly five times a week. Due to the pandemic, extra precautions were put into place, and I felt safe conducting my work despite rising case numbers. Work became an escape from my apartment and allowed me to bond with clients, many of whom used my class as their sole daily outing. My excitement about the connections I was creating hid the flawed mindset about my body. With little other distractions available, obsessing over exercise and food became all consuming. I walked on the treadmill in my building during my Zoom classes and made other decisions that were unfair to my body because I thought they would make me like the way I looked more. 

This summer surprised me. I got into running, an activity that I had always wanted to do but could never find the stamina and mental strength to maintain. In my mind, I wasn’t strong enough to run successfully, which I have since disproved to myself. Running has allowed me time for reflection on my relationship with exercise while also pushing me to persist. It is still challenging and I don’t hold myself to a pace, but I take pride in the distance I have built up to. 

While running, I realized I was rarely proud of my body when exercising in the studio. I used to only think about burning calories, especially when I was on the clock. After I fully understood the toxicity of how I was treating my body, I sought help from family and friends but also from experienced professionals who were able to help me along the path I am on now: one that encourages exercise as play rather than punishment. It was an uncomfortable and challenging decision to make, but I decided that quitting would benefit my overall emotional and physical health. 

When I taught the stretch series in class, I recommended clients slide into their splits. I reminded them that exercise is about practice not perfection –– something that I never allowed myself to believe until I quit my position. I needed to take a step back from the situation to recognize the damage I was inflicting on myself while leading others along their fitness journeys. I am still a dedicated member of the studio and maintain connections with  my former clients, and someday, when I’m in a better headspace, I may even come out of retirement. But for now, I am focused on defining wellness for myself and finding beauty in strength.